On Holy Humility
Parish Q&A
Fr Mike,
I may have asked this question before, but it has been on my heart lately.
This morning I read a quote from St. Paisios
“The devil does not hunt after those who are lost; he hunts after those who are aware, those who are close to God. He takes from them trust in God and begins to afflict them with self-assurance, logic, thinking, and criticism.”
I’ve noticed that the closer I seem to get to God, the more I feel attacked spiritually. At the same time, I become much more aware of my own sinfulness and unworthiness.
It’s hard to explain. The more I see God’s greatness, purity, and holiness, the more I see how dirty I am. I don’t feel farther from God - in many ways I feel closer but His holiness makes me realize how much I need His mercy and cleansing. It’s like I want to be clean before standing before Him. (Sometimes I even take few showers before I pray or touch the Bible)
Is this a normal part of growing closer to God? How do I tell the difference between true humility, where I see my need for God’s mercy, and unhealthy condemnation that comes from the enemy?
Brother in Christ,
This is a beautiful question, and one that I am pleased to answer.
The short answer is that yes, that is very normal and quite necessary. I would encourage you in this: you are experiencing a genuine encounter with mercy. Which I know sounds somewhat contradictory, but let me explain.
As you grow in maturity as a Christian, there are two realities (among others) that are made all the more clear, or of which your awareness grows: God’s mercy and God’s Holiness (and thus your sinfulness). These, in fact, go hand in hand and deepen one another.
It seems that in many cases Christians do not like to dwell on our sin, and prefer instead to focus on love or on our new identity in Christ - both of which are paramount - but we must not ignore the reality that we still fall short and sin daily before a Holy God, and it is truly only in that place of honesty that healing begins to flow.
But it is here that we begin to see how mercy and honesty intertwine in the fire of God’s holiness.
As we grow closer to God, as you said, His holiness increases before our eyes, and thus our sinfulness becomes more acute, which rightly draws us to a life of repentance, which then opens up the inexhaustible depths of His mercy! But of course, as we continue in this the pattern repeats, and the paradox ensues: the holier and healed we become - as our blindness to reality is lifted - we see the depths of our sin, which draws us to repentance, which draws us into the mercy, which begins to heal us, so we see our sin more clearly, and so we repents, and so it follows, until we are made truly whole - in reality not just name.
So, yes, this cleaning fire is beautiful, even if uncomfortable at times. I will say that I too, in the past, have felt that compulsion to shower or ‘cleanse’ before prayer or reading, and although I think the act itself is not a problem, it would be much better for you to simply confess any sin and rest in the baptism that has cleansed you already. Sign the cross and draw your heart back to Christ’s mercy.
Lastly, the difference between humility with conviction and condemnation is really seen in your response to God. The enemy loves to shame and condemn as a way to draw you further from God, to hide away or pull back in excessive fear of judgment. Conviction of sin, on the other hand, draws to the Lord and into a desire for true holiness. It sees the sin as a conditioned activity that Christ is healing, versus an identity marker that is irredeemable. Condemnation often comes with despair, or despondency, a lacking of hope, which the Christian ought never have.
I know there is more to say, but I pray these few words have been helpful.
Fr. Mike +